Misunderstood and confused............

Amendment: Some people seem to be upset with this blog, I am not angry at any actions last night apart from my own, I am so overwhelmed at the love out there for me and the concern, I have never seen such a community pull together for a stranger like that.  The title is about me feeling confused and misunderstanding my life and what I am doing, not about anything anyone did for me last night...........Thank you all so much.

For months now I have used my blog and Twitter to express how I am feeling and never before have got the reaction I got last night, I foolishly said things that were in my head and needed to come out without thinking of the effect it would have on people and as my blog seemed to be doing the rounds and causing more panic I thought it best to remove it, much to my own upset because as people rightly say, it is there not only to help me but to also help others who are going through the same thing and do not realise.

Yes I tweeted from Tiffany's account that I was tired, fed up and about taking tablets and drink so I could sleep, as did not think that anyone on there would really care, after all they are her anipal friends, had I done it, no, was it stupid to say, Yes, why did I do it, I have no idea, when you are upset are you logical, well I know that I am not, did I think lots of animal strangers would react like they would, no otherwise I would not have done it but I had to get those negative thoughts out of my head, again there was reason behind my blog post which could be read that I intended to harm myself, which I had no intention of doing, those that know me would see it as my way to again release those demons.

I am not a very strong person even though everyone thinks I am, I got upset on twitter last night with someone who I believed was being ungrateful even though they understand the difficulties that I face as they too suffer very similar to the way I do, I had done something very stressful to myself to help them and felt they had it thrown back in my face and it really upset me and I did lose all faith in human nature as a result, this was just one of the sparks that ignited last nights events, the main contributor was the fact that I had the worst week ever at work, on Tuesday late afternoon I made a critical error that nearly cost me my job and the company one of there biggest accounts, I worked 12 hrs a day to help rectify and repair the damage I had caused, so I was tired and very fragile, my confidence in my work is now at an all time low.

A bit about me, I lost my mum/friend/confidant/soul mate/the other half of me 13 yrs ago, I held her whilst she slipped away, I cuddled her when she got scared, I looked after her while her life fell to bits, I rang her whilst I was out walking her beloved dogs so she could imagine she was out walking with us, any spare time I had I shared with her, even before she was ill.  I will never forget her words on the 3rd May 1997 when she turned 50, she looked at me and said *thats it I am going to die now*, she was not ill then and a very fit, able bodied person.  On the 29th November, that same year, she passed away, she was the most beautiful person you could ever know, I am so lost without her as half of me died that day and I have no idea how to keep going without her but somehow I do, its not a great life that I have chosen for myself but I dont know how else to continue without her.  She died 25 days before my 30th birthday, 27 days before christmas, 3 months later I was diagnosed with a brain tumor, as I also have the same illness that ended my mothers life early.  I had that tumor removed in July 1998 but I have since been diagnosed with another one, I have numerous cysts in my kidney's and pancreas, on one of my kidney's the growth is so large that when they do decide to operate they will have to take that kidney, which then leaves me with one infected kidney and any surgery on that one could lead to dialysis.

Every Mothers day, Anniversary of her Birthday, my birthday, Anniversary of her death, Christmas is so painful that even I dont understand why it still hurts like I only lost her a few seconds ago, to know that I will never hold her again kills me, to not have her there to confide in, help me with my mistakes, teach me how to do things right, to touch her face, see her smile, hear her laugh, all these things tear me up inside and I dont know how to live without her, all I know is that everytime I think I am turning a corner, I hit reverse and end up further back from where I started.

I would like to apologise to all those that I unintenionally upset last night, I have removed myself from all public social network sites, even though I know this is really going to impact on my day to day coping with things as I have come to rely on help from my friends on twitter but I will just have to start learning how to stand on my own two feet.

Shellie B

One month on.........

Can you believe it was a month today that I started my new job????  So much has been crammed into such a small space of time and I have come such a long way, am still having really negative days but not due to doubting myself, just the mood of those around me rubbing off on me and the frustration of seeing lack of respect by my fellow work colleague.

Who would have thought a month ago I would have been to Galway all on my own, learnt a completely new online e-learning progrmame, including the setup, administration and reconfiguring of courses, taken on over nearly 30 accounts, taken in 2 different lodgers, new shower fitted, met two virtual friends in the flesh (not naked I hasten to add), got a new dressing table, won my compensation case against Milton Keynes Council, not had ONE sick day in the whole month and made 10 lovely Easter Baskets from my crochet hobby.  I think I have crammed in more in that month than I have in the last 7 months of my life!!!!

So this is the bit about the bad stuff going on, personally I dont have anything really bad happening apart from not being happy with my weight and still have quite a few outstanding bills to sort, but neither of these are critical, the only thing causing me stress and making me struggle at work is the other Account Manager, who is as much use as a fart in a colander!!!!

Mr Numpty has been there since August 2010 and still classes himself as new to the business, he has done 1 meeting on his own and that was last week, I sat in on a training session and he could not answer any of the questions, embarassing/cringeworthy are understatements, when the management are tied up or out of the office he plays computer games, when I ask for help, I have to ask on numerous occasions. I had to set up a new account today, first time, it took an hour and lots of requests from me until he sat and helped, even Kirsty said he was doing everything to avoid helping me, which was quite plain when he did come to help as he couldnt answer my questions and tbh by the time he did sit with me I had set the account up anyway using common sense.

I am really biting my tongue as I do not want to appear the shit stirrer who wants to get others in trouble to better my chances in the company, everything I do is on my own merit, I am very passionate about my work but when you have someone dissing you because you have arrived at the office early and start working, it makes me wary that I will not fit in as I like to work, when you have someone who passes work to you because they cant do it and you get no thanks, I smile and rant on twitter, when they turn round and say "the company has no structure", I just ignore the comment because I know once I start I wont stop.

We are supposed to work together but I just think the guy is taking the "piss", he has not done a full days work since I have been there, his knowledge is very lacking, he has no passion, he moans all the time that I have less accounts than him, he starts poking fun at me when I do my crochet in my lunch hour.  All these things makes me very conscious of what I do in the office, when he is playing computer games I feel I cannot pick up the phone to my new accounts and introduce myself.

It is not as though he does not have anything to do, he is supposed to be writing a manual for the user and admin side of the system, I have seen the draft and am too embarrassed to tell everything how unprofessional and amatuer it looks as I worry what will be thought of me.  Today the director left the office just after 12 as they have a show the next two days and he is setting up the stand, as soon as he left the office, Mr Numpty pipes up "thats 2.5 days of doing nothing, bliss!", I did say "havent you got anything to do, dont you get bored not doing anything?", he just laughed and said no. 

This company that he moans about all the time have paid for 2 driving tests which he has now passed and now he has his driving license he keeps on saying that he can find another job now, also he did a training session in Fareham 2 weeks ago, as he didnt drive then he got a train at 12pm the day before and stayed overnight in a hotel, the training started at 10am the next day, when he got back to the office he boasted how he had spend £160 for those 2 days, they really have got to see what he is like, I dont know how he has got away with it for so long.

I hope this does not make me sound like I am winging or trying to pick fault but the guy is just so lazy and it makes me so frustrated that I get really demoralised and struggle to do my own work.  Tomorrow is going to be a nightmare as it will only be me, Kirsty and him, I am not sure how much longer I can hold my tongue............

Shellie B

March Showers, Visitors and Treats

Well I can actually say that I had the most wonderful weekend in the bestest company ever, even though I was so nervous that I was shaking!!!  I am not very good at meeting new people, even though I have known them for months, I have never met them face to face.

Not only did they travel to come and visit me but they also put in my new shower, well my nearly new shower, and they bought along Tiffany's best friend.  I have been without a shower for about 2 yrs and was quoted £300 to fit a new one, well after the very kind Mr & Mrs Lawrence offered there services to fit it for me I bought one for £82 from Ebay, the same model as my old one as I thought that would make the fitting easier:

So the first picture show my old yellowing shower, then we have team DIY SOS busy fitting new shower and then final picture is the new sparkly shower, which I tested this morning and it was bliss, so much less hassle than having to get up and have a bath in the mornings, what a clever hubby and wifey they are!!!

After the exhaustion of taking pictures of them working, I was then treated to a pub lunch, to a place I had never heard of before, Chapel Brampton, which was only about 5 mins from my house!  It is set right out in the country and next to a little old Railway station, so Mr & Mrs Lawrence were very happy indeed.  Apart from the little power cut inside the pub, which we did have to check if Mr Lawrence was trying his DIY skills again, we shared a starter, which I cant remember the name but it had selection of cold meats, olives, bread, fishes with heads on and lots of other lovely bits, then I was very naughty and had a Steak with Diane Sauce, I also had a little cheeky glass of Rose.  The puddings looked so scrummy but I was too full to even try one. 

Somehow I did leave with some of those horrible fishy things, bit of a sausage and some steak in my handbag, as you do!!!!!  We then all waddled down to the Steam and Diesel Tourist Railway next to the pub, which was unfortunately closed but we still had a nosey around and we had to hold Mrs Lawrence back as she was keen to investigate further.  This is the link to the railway, http://www.nlr.org.uk/ it would make such a lovely day out and over Easter all kids get a free cream egg on the train!!!!

I was not the only one who got to meet very special friends but my lovely cat, Tiffany, also got to meet her best friend on Twitter, Brian the Llama.  They seemed to be quite well behaved when we were about but I did notice that Brian had a little adventure round the house to see where Tiffany lives and what she gets up to, here is a lovely picture of them together:

I spent most of Sunday still not being able to move as I had eaten so well the day before, even Tiffany was tired out and slept on me most of the day, what an absolutely lovely weekend we had and how lucky we are to know such wonderful people!!!

Shellie B

Week 3 and Exhaustion

So I am now on week 3 of my new job but week 1 of being on my own doing my job as Barry, the Account Manager I have taken over from has now left the business and my boss is on holiday until next Wednesday.

Its been stressful, interesting, frustrating, annoying but absolutely wonderful.  I cant express how great it feels to be part of the world again, after 7 months of being confined to my house, I now have some importance and structure back to my life.

Don't get me wrong, I am far from cured, this week has proved that to me as I have been on bit of a rollercoaster, emotionally and physically.  I am not sleeping, cried at work as I feel they do not realise how bright I actually am and felt they were patronising me a bit but then on the flip side they were putting too much on me.  I have not been eating, I cry when I look at myself but I have no energy to exercise, I just know what I hate how I look and I got straight to bed when I get in and eat junk food.  My back is so painful as I am not used to sitting all day and I can hardly put weight on my feet as again they are not used to carry all this extra weight about all day.

On the plus side though I won my court case Monday, little old me vs Milton Keynes Council, not record breaking compensation but it will mean I can pay nearly half of my Mortgage arrears from not working last year.  Also my car seems to be running ok even though replacing the EGR valve has not fixed the problem and I received my nearly new shower, which is going to make life so much easier once that is fitted.

Oh I nearly forgot, my special mug that I ordered as a treat to myself arrived and it is so lovely, see for yourself.

The picture on the mug is all thanks to @supernatural808 who did this for my cats on twitter, I love the picture so much I wanted to have it on something I use all the time, check out http://www.zazzle.co.uk/ where I designed and bought it from.

Well I still have an hour left at work so I had better get back to it, have a great weekend,

Shellie B