Sunday, 9 October 2011

Exhausted and waiting for answers

As I have not been sleeping very well and am on quite a cocktail of drugs at the moment, Viepax 3 x 75mg a day, Diazepam 3 x 2mg a day, Co-Codomal 500mg lots of times a day and then there is Zopiclone 7.5mg to be taken at night.  I have been too reluctant to take the Zopiclone during a "school" night so took one last might, well I am still trying to come round and feel lousy, so I definately will not be taking them during the week, I have a headache but I am too scared to take a Co-Codomal as that might completely knock me out on top of everything else.

Currently I am waiting on a phone call from either Consultant at the Churchill or John Radcliffe in Oxford to let me know the resuls of the urine samples I did last weekend.  If they are high I will then probably just have a day/half days notice to advise me that I have to go into hospital to be put onto some medication to control my blood pressure and counter-act the adrenal that is being released from the tumor/s on my adrenal gland/s.  I thought I would be put on this medicaton to take at home but apparently it can be quite dangerous as it could make me collapse etc.  Once they get the medication right I will then be advised of the date for the surgery, they anticipate that I would be on the medication for 6 weeks, so we are looking at November.  They have told me it would be an emergency operation due to the fact I could end up with Heart Damage or even a Bleed to the Brain.

Am I scared, gosh I dont know what I am at the moment.  All I know is that none of my tumors have ever given me symptoms before, not even my brain tumor that I had removed 13 years ago but since that operation I have never felt well and sometimes wish I had not had it done.  I am hoping the opposite to this one and hope that I come out from it all feeling so much better and can maybe finally reduce my anti depressant medication and my old self will re-emerge.

These tumors in the Adrenal glands are very nasty things, they are not huge, right one 7mm, left one 1.7mm, but to now see what effect these are having on me mentally is amazing, they are driving me insane.  I go from being my normal funny, wacky and best friend you could ever wish for to a complete gloomy, moody, miserable, attention seeking freak!  One minute I can be coping all ok and then the next minute I have to run into a quiet room at work and sit and cry for 20 minutes, rining round my VHL clinic for support as I get so overwhelmed and just cannot understand/cope with what is going on, the frightening thing is that is makes me completely out of control, the urge to demolish rooms in the house or scream at work is scary.

As I didnt get the results on Friday then I should get them on Monday.  I have my new PJ's ready and new knickers, my Mummy bear holding a baby teddy will be coming with me as I bought that one mothers day after losing mum and she does give me comfort, I can image my mummy teddy will have lots of cuddles over the next couple of months..

I finish this blog off in tears as I do not know what the next week will hold for me, if the results come back ok what will the next step be as I KNOW there is something seriously wrong with me mentally & Physically and it is NOT my depression as I have had this for years but never any like this.

I hope you all have a peaceful Sunday and if you have family, pick up the phone and tell them how much you love them, resolve any silly family arguements as you only get one family and when they are gone a huge gap appears in your life that you never realised would exist and you can never get that back.

Take care my beautiful friends,

Shellie B xxxx

1 comment:

  1. Hi Shellie, I have had it all but the brain cyst... I know and feel your frustration all to well, you are not alone...The cyst and tumors put out more hormones then the gland itself normally would and can create alot of up's and downs..Headaches, weight gain, insomnia, aches and pains what a bitch aye...Cry when you need to, just not so much that your eye's swell up like mine do when I am having a down day, try and laugh as much as possible, I have not laughed so much since I found you window lickers lol...take care and I am always here if you need to talk <3 Jenny


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