Limbomas

Not sure what else to call the time between Xmas and New Year, the hype of xmas is all over and we then wait for the New Year to come in, some people have to work inbetween, which normally seems quite pointless as not much to do, while others are off, hopefully those who have some money can take advantage of the sales whilst others just sit around watching mundane tv and trying to get motivated.

Ok maybe that last bit describes me, I am looking forward to this year being over, it has to be the worst year since 1997/98, the year I lost my mum and then 4 months afterwards having a brain tumor removed, life changing events that did not catch up to me until about 5 years ago when I moved and became very isolated.

So now I have to think *how am I going to make 2011 work for me*, my initial thought was *its going to be the same old crap again* but if I think like that then it will and things will never change.  After my visit to the docs yesterday I have been signed off for a further 2 months, so this is my opportunity to straighten myself out and get ready for facing the working world again, infact to face the world again.

My bereavement counsellor never turned up on 22nd December and I have not heard from her since, as I seemed to have coped through anniversary of losing mum and xmas kind of on my own then maybe I dont really need her anymore, I did look forward to her visits as she was the only person who I saw but now I have my housemate I have company again.

New Years Resolutions, well I dont believe in them as they are just something you set for an excuse to break them, yes I need to lose weight etc but I am not going to set myself any targets as I will be doomed to fail, I will just do everything in my own stride so that I can succeed, all I am going to keep telling myself through 2011 is *think positive and be strong*.

I know that with the help of my twitter family, who do more for me than they will ever imagine, and my best friends Lynne and Andy I will not slip back down into the dark tunnel I have been hiding in for the last 5 years, so goodbye 2010, I will not say good riddance, (ok I just did), as I have been on a huge journey, learnt so much and have come out stronger, if I had not gone through the last year where would I be???

Shellie B

Xmas Day

My goodness I am so excited with the presents I have received this year that I have had to do a blog, its like all my wishes have come true, this is the best xmas ever, I was really good and waited until after my dinner to open all my gifts and I am just flabbergasted at the wonderful people I know, here is a picture of my fabulous booty:

So my first present I opened was a package from CupcakeJoJo, I had ordered one of her beautifully hand sewn Hearts, every year I also get a present for myself from my mum, so I thought that would be perfect, well when I opened the box there was also an Xmas Pudding Cupcake, I have wanted to buy one of Jo's cupcake's for ages but have not been able to afford one, they are so much better in real life than in the pictures!!!!  If you would like one of her wonderful creations you can find her shop here, she is also having a Sale so no time like the present to take a look.

My next present was from Ian and Karen Lawrence and its just perfect, I quite often look over the books in hobbycraft wishing I could afford to buy one on amigurumi and I was so surprised and excited to see an amigurumi book but not just any amigurumi book but the one I wanted, I was clapping and giggling when looking at all the little projects inside to make, so many great ideas for my folksy shop!!!!!

My next present was from Laura, my new housemate, a really gorgeous bar of chocolate, I will be eating that tonight whilst watching the soaps, nom nom nom.

My last 2 parcels were from Sophie, I opened the ones containing the soaps that I again ordered for myself as I dont have any family and wanted something to open xmas day, I was suprised to see lots of lovely samples inside too, they smell so lush and I havent even got them out the packaging, will be hard to resist eating them.  I have cake slices, snowflake, stars, a crown and a Gingerbread man, the detail is amazing on them and they all have different smells, I highly recommend everyone treating themselves to some of these luxury divine smelling soaps which can be bought from Sophie's folksy shop here.

The last presents I opened just knocked me for six, how well Sophie knows me and I was not expecting what was inside them at all, to be honest I thought it was going to be a cat calender but its SO much better, the Official TrueBlood calender and its amazing, also I have a keyring with a half naked Eric pictured on it, I have died and gone to heaven!!!!

So from not really looking forward to today I am like a little child all excited and pawing over my presents, I have them all displayed so I can keep on looking at them, so a HUGE thank you and mammoth HUGS to Ian, Karen, Jo and Sophie, I love you all so much and am so pleased to have you all as my new lovely friends I discovered through twitter this year, I hope you all got lots of exciting things and were spoilt like I have been, THANK  YOU

Shellie B

You cant choose your family.............

..............never a truer word said.  After my quite positive outlook on everything and my blog yesterday it all went downhill quite dramatically, all thanks to family.  Now I will admit that I have not been the best family member, I never coped with dad leaving, I self harmed for attention, I have not coped with my depression, I have not coped with losing my mum, I have binge drinked (is that english?), I have been frustrated which has resulted in me lashing out at my family, my way of asking for help, I have really been quite vile.  Because of all this I accepted that they did not want to have anything to do with me, broke my heart as I realised I really was on my own but then I thought, hang on a minute, you always have been since losing mum so how hard can it be.

Well those that follow my blogs know that I have had a really awful time from June this year, unfit to work, cannot find the right anti-depressants to help me, nearly lost the house, had to rehome two of my beautiful cats, which might not seem that tragic to some but to any animal lovers out there you will understand how upsetting that can be and how it can make you feel like you have failed them, got caught using my mobile in my car, fined £60 and 3 points on my license, I was stopped at red lights at the time, so was very unlucky and various other little things that all add up.

So thats the negatives of the year, the positives are that I redecorated the whole house, inside and out, got a Time Order against my loan company trying to repossess the house, issued a grant from EDF Energy for my fuel bills, learnt to Crochet and have been selling quite a bit of my lovely little creations, been having bereavement counselling, not drunk or taken an overdose since 29th July 2010!!!

Feeling quite strong with everything that has been going on, I felt I was ready to be in contact with my dad again after receiving his xmas card and his "friend" request on facebook, so as you do, you browse through what they have been doing throughout the year, my sister had been to visit him and there was a lovely picture of them together, was a bit upset but was glad they were there for each other, then I saw this remark from my Auntie and the reply from my sister:

Susan Haw to all my family on facebook, it is with great sadness that i have to tell you that i have had to report michelle "shellie" batchelor for abusive behaviour, she has finally lost the plot and i would advise you all to ignore her, she is beyond help

Sam Poulton not again??? I have had almost seven months of peace, long may it reign...she drinking again?

What hurt most is that this was posted for the whole world to see and they have never really tried to help me anyway, so I messaged my dad and told him what I had seen and that I was getting on much better without them and asked to just be left alone.  Whenever I have had a hiccup with things it has been family that has triggered it off, I have never been good enough for them, they look down there nose at me and make me feel like scum, so I spent most of the afternoon crying and would like to thank Lynne and my lovely facebook and twitter friends for calming down, I have not slept because it was going over and over in my head so now feel like death warmed up.

I have ripped up his xmas card, might be petty but I dont want the damn thing in my house or in view, have blocked all family members from facebook and am trying desparately to put yesterday behind me as I really dont want to fall into my usual trap and have black thoughts, especially this time of year.  I am going to sainsburys today to get my xmas food and the urge to buy alcohol, so I can just block out my birthday and xmas is huge, my normal drinking binge would last about 3 days and god knows how many bottles of spirits later BUT I am not going to let them win, I am stronger than they think, I can survive without them, I want a better life for ME, I dont care what they think anymore.

Wow feel much better now I have that off my chest, right am off out to face the brrrrrr weather

Shellie B

Christmas is nearly here

Gosh I have been so busy with my crochet that I have not had time to blog, lots has happened, some good, some not so good but with the help of my lovely Lynne and twitter friends I am remaining strong.

So first of all an update on my Folksy shop which you can find HERE, I have reached 24 sales and had lots of lovely feed back about my items which has really boosted my confidence, I was never really sure if my stuff was good enough to sell, especially as I have only been doing my crochet for just over a month, I am trying to do a variety of things to sell, below are few piccies of my some of my new items:

So healthwise has not been so good as last tablets have caused problems with my bladder so I have had to come off them and starting on new ones, have not been so down this time, I think maybe because I have had something to concentrate on, fingers crossed they will be ok as I really need to be able to get back to work, not that I want to but I have a house that does not pay for itself.  The anniversary of losing my mum has come and gone, I had a really lovely day and gave myself the afternoon off from doing my Crochet, I cooked a lovely roast dinner, lit a beautiful smelly candle and watched some great films on tv, snuggled up with the cats.  This time last year I was in and out of hospital and on drips etc to counteract my actions, who would have thought I would have come this far and be doing everything I am now, I think the time I have had at home has really helped me sort myself out, normally I am just stressing about working, getting money etc.

My xmas tree is up, is goes up on the 29th Nov every year, the anniversary of losing mum, as we put the tree up for her as we knew she would not be with us for Xmas day, surprisingly it still has all its decs on it even though Angel has tried to climb it a few times.  I have two presents under it, one from lovely Sophie and the other one from the wonderful Ian and Karen, friends I have met through twitter and who are now very dear to me.  I also, surprisingly, have got lots of xmas cards, considering I am not working I did not think I would get any, so that shows me what geniune lovely friends I have out there.  I even got one from my Dad, which was a shock and has left me feeling all confused and upset, I searched for him on facebook to send him a thank you message and was even more upset to see a picture of him with my sister and further down his wall she wrote "I will always being your little princess" or something to that effect, I just thought what a load of bullshit but again that upset me too, seems my family are coping really well without me as they are not having to face up to the problems that I have, oh well I have become stronger not having contact with them and must not let this pull me back down again, but I am angry as they deserted me when I was calling out for help.

On a positive note I the EDF Energy Trust granted my application and have paid off the arrears on my gas and electrity so I can start the New Year with a clean slate on my utilities at least, we also seem to have escaped the snow which has hit the country quite bad, we get a light dusting and lots of ice, hope we gets lots of xmas day, that would be lovely.  I am really looking forward to opening my pressies and watching Wizard of Oz, another tradition for my mum, wonder what everyone else has planned?

Shellie B x

Post is here and being a grumpy bum

Woke at 6am this morning, peaked outside but no snow so fell back to sleep, I was then woken by the posty knocking at my door at 9am, so raced downstairs as I knew it would be my package from Sophiessoap and I didnt want to miss the delivery, I did remember to grab my dressing gown before opening the door!!!

Even though I really really want to open the package I am going to wait until Christmas day, "why?" you all shout, well as I do not have any family and only a couple of close friends I do not get many presents so this is going to go under my christmas tree until xmas day as a surprise.  Yes I know I ordered them so I know what is inside but I asked Sophie to choose what colours and fragrances to do so it will be a surprise, also Sophie has put some samples inside as she sent me a lovely card with my order and mentioned what she has done..............she is so sweet and I met her all through Twitter, my online friends are such an inspiration to me and Sophie, especially, is great as she reads all my blogs, watches all my videos and was my first customer in my new Folksy shop.

As you probably all dont want to wait until Xmas day for me to open it and should really buy some of these lovely soaps for yourself or as gifts for Christmas you can find Sophies shop HERE and below are some of the xmas soaps available, I ordered the cute little Cake Slices, a bargain at £3.00 for 2.

Even though I had the excitement of receiving my lovely soaps today I am on second day of feeling a complete grumpy bum, struggled to do Crochet yesterday but I did manage to go out but then wish I had stayed at home especially when a nasty lady in Tesco caused a huge commotion just because she jumped the queue and I pointed it out to her, everyone stared at me and she made me out to be a complete nutter, I felt like leaving my shopping and just driving back home but I wanted to get something nice for Monday, what is happening Monday you all ask, well I will blog about that on Monday and just hope I manage to change the pattern of what normally happens.

I think my new meds need increasing as everything is grinding on me, I am so snappy, really impatient and feel like I want to scream and pull my hair out, must contact surgery next week and am cross that I did not do it last week but as usual I leave everything until its all critical.  I am really going to try and do some Crochet today as I have 3 Snowmen and 3 Penguin to send out and I dont want to let my customers down.

Shellie B

Cat Shooting, Criminal Damage and Hating Where I Live

For years I have hated where I live, mainly because I feel so isolated as I do not know anyone in Northampton and my sister never bothered to come and visit me, so I turned to drink to block out the loneliness which just escallated things, after hitting rock bottom this year I decided a couple of months ago to make it work where I live and be happy.....................well I think someone else has different plans.

Firstly let me outline the history of my time in Northampton, the first traumatic thing to happen was in October 2008 when my precious Abigail was shot with an air gun, she was lucky as it missed her eye and ear but lodged in her head, we apparently have a well known cat hater living in this street, around the time this happened my beautiful Mystique went missing 4 weeks after having kittens, only 1 kitten survived.

Then various things happened with the house, shower broke, heating broke, police broke down front door, long story but they paid for damage in the end as they admitted fault was theirs, i.e. they should not have broken into my property, but I had a very cold winter as I could not afford to replace it whilst I waiting for it all to get approved, then my beloved Bobby dog died, Angel was badly attacked, Abigail survived a fox attack, back fence fell down and the list goes on and on and on................

So I thought, hey lets sell up, this place is jinxed, lets start again, in April of this year, then in June I am not sure what happened but I became very ill, physically and mentally, could not cope with anything, maybe I had a break down, I am not sure, but those that have read my blogs know that I have not been able to work since then, I did take advantage of not working and completely redecorated the house, inside and out.

Then things started to go my way, sort of, so I took this as a sign that I should stay put, also if I did sell I would not be able to buy so would never get back on the property ladder and I have no idea where I would move to as I have no family etc, then a couple of  things happened this week, damage to my property that I have worked so hard to get, my car has been keyed

and then this morning I looked out to see if there was any snow to see that my gate has somehow flown upside down with the post still intact!, maybe the post was rotten, I dont know but it seemed very sturdy when I used it on Monday!!!!!!

 I am not sure a drill is going to fix that so I have no idea what to do, maybe I will bind it all back together with some sturdy garden string, will go out later and have a look when I can face it.  After a few tears and a coffee, I have shrugged these things off as just he perils of life, nothing I can do about it so no point beating myself up over it.

On a more happy note I have a new additions to my Folksy Shop, Sphen the Happy Penguin, so fingers crossed he will sell well and help me repair my gate lol

 Shellie B

Opening of my Folksy Store

Well its been a very very busy week for me, I decided to open my very own Folksy store after lots of encouragement from my friends, I could  not think what on earth to call it, I wanted something with "cat" in the title but could not think of anything and because I might not just do Crochet I did not want that in the title, so I came up with "Shellie's Crafty Corner".

I listed the hat and scarf I made and also a cute little reindeer, who has gone down very well and I have so far sold 9 of them, hence why I have been so busy.

I finally finished them all at the weekend but have been waiting since Wednesday for the packaging to arrive so I can send the little chaps out, well it finally arrived today so I have been busy packing them away, my table now feels very bare!!!

Just need to print the postage online to save time down the post office and then they will be on there way to their new homes.  I now have to think what else I can sell that will be as popular as they are, I have created this Snowman, he is quite big and not as cute but I will list him today and see how he does.

I cant explain the excitement I feel when I see that I have made a sale, I am like a little girl, all giggly and clapping, I just hope people are as excited when they recieve my creations.

Right I am off now to create more to go into my shop as it would be nice to have a variety, here is Angel modelling a hat that will go on the winter penguin I am going to do, bless her!!!!

Shellie B

The story of claiming Benefits

I am so busy but just have to do this blog to get things off my chest and to hopefully stop me from crying, I have never had so much trouble from getting Benefits, oh hold on, I have always worked since I was 16, apart from Jan 2009 when I claimed benefits for just over 1 month due to being made redundant at christmas time and not being able to get a job.

This is all started back in June when the doc decided to change my anti depressants, we are STILL trying to find the right one, its been one hell of a ride and I have had nothing but grief from DWP, late payments, interviews, medicals and now its all going through appeal as they say I am fit to work, well sorry the doctor says I am not so what can I do about that!!!

From 13 weeks they will pay the interest on my mortgage, well I filled out the relevant essay form and personally took it down the building society but guess what.............................yes thats right they have not made one single payment and now my mortgage company are threatening litegation.  I called DWP and surprise surprise nothing on there system, so I now have to wait 3 hrs for a phone call back to find out what is going on, then I have to call my mortgage company to try and see where I go from here.

It really makes me so sick, you read all the stories in the paper about how people are conning thousands out of the system, god knows how they do that.  My neighbour for example lives in a council house, has a million kids and just had another one so she doesnt have to work, her boyfriend does not work either, how do they get away with it, when I am legitimately claiming as I really do need to help, she is getting quite a bit of money too as one of her daughters has learning difficulties (she seems fine to me), the daughter does not even live at that house anymore but with an auntie as they dont have enough room.

This is really knocking all my confidence and I dont even think I will have the courage to go back to work, people who know me, know this is very unlike how I am, as I am a strong little thing (well ok then big) and have always been very confident in my work but I just feel like scum, lowest of the low, who will want to employ a complete loser like me who is signed off for depression all because I rely on tablets.

I dont have any family to turn to or any savings, there is just me and my 3 lovely cats to plow through all this red tape, it really grinds you down, how can they expect you to get better when they add to your stress, please do not get me wrong, I am not a scrounger, I hate being on benefits and being this pathetic but for once in my 42 yrs of life I am just asking for a bit of help so I can have some me time to get better............

Shellie B

Just had a telephone call back from DWP, they received my completed form at the beginning of October and are still making a decision on paying the interest on my mortgage, is this just all a joke or what................I have insisted on yet another telepohne call back today as I need to speak to my mortgage company.

Walking and Flowers

I am still stuck in my rut of not wanting or be bothered to do anything but have noticed how bad my feet and legs are becoming again, so I dragged my sorry butt out for a walk this morning, was a bit misty and I was very spooked but then that could be because I was listening to a Sookie Stackhouse audio book.

I took some pictures along my walk, I am very lucky and live next door to open fields, who would think you would get that view in Northampton, a bit further along the walk there is a lovely little stream.

I managed to take pictures excluding all the rubbish that has been thrown into it from the bridge.

The rest of my walk after crossing the bridge is then on the road, did not take pictures of that, as when you have seen one road you have seen them all.  I use an app on my Iphone which cost 59p and is called Footsteps, it measures my steps, time, distance, calories burned and average speed, this just makes it a bit more interesting after every walk to see what I have done, I also listen to various audio books on my walk as I do find it very boring walking on my own.

I am still desparately racking my brains on what I can Crochet and sell to make money as I am really struggling being on benefits, I designed this flower on Friday night

I am going to use these to go onto the hat I am going to make.

I have not quite got the blending of colours correct so will need a bit more practise at that.

But they do look very nice in single colour.  My new 6mm crochet hook arrived yesterday so I can get on and make the hat today, its funny how different it feels using a hook that is only 2mm bigger, I may even redo my crochet videos as I think it will be easier to see what I am doing with the bigger hook.

Pot of tea is brewed and need to have some breakfast after my walk this morning

click on me

Shellie B

Backward steps

After having quite a few really good days, I am now in some really bad days, all thoughts are negative, no motivation, not looking after myself or eating, each day the post comes I just wonder "why am I struggling to keep above all this?"  My legs and feet are starting to be bad again, I know this is because I am not doing anything again but I just cannot be bothered.

I cant remember the last time I washed my hair or had a bath, dont worry have a wash every day and brush teeth, not that minging, well sort of not.  Not done any washing up all week, did hoover yesterday only because there was more fur on the carpet than on the cats and they were looking a bit jealous.

Benefits are now going to a Tribunal which wont be heard until April next year but thankfully they will keep on paying me until then, I just dont understand the point of it all, surely if my doctor says I am not fit for work then they are the experts, not the JobCentre????

I actually sobbed my heart out about my mum yesterday, I have never let myself lose that much control sober about her before.  My step sister got in contact as my step dad died earlier this year and she found some pictures of mum she thought I might like, they are so beautiful and just makes me miss her so much, always felt so safe around her, posted one below so you can share her beauty with me, its not a very clear copy as this was sent to me via a mobile phone, am waiting to get originals in the post.

Well my benefits finally arrived yesterday so bills are paid for another couple of weeks and then I went and did a bit of shopping, got some more wool as I have decided to make some pretty crochet hats with a flower emblished on them to try and make some money, had a practise go at making one last night, looked lovely if your head was the size of a dogs!!!!!!  So have now ordered a bigger crochet hook, I plan to make a video today showing how to make Mr Blue Bear, I am going to do this one in lavender and put some lavender essential oil drops in the stuffing, bit of an experiement but if it works then I will try to sell them too.

So leaving you all on the only positive note I can think of today, YAY ITS FRIDAY!!!!!

Click on us to see us dance

Shellie B

Help I cant stop making videos...............

Now I am feeling a bit more confident with my Crochet and Sophie encouraged me, I decided to make some videos, my series is called "An Idiot Learning Crochet", which describes me to a tee!!!  I was only brave enough to show my face once, omg my teeth look awful and crooked, but hopefully as I get more confident my head might make some guest appearances, just hope I dont get an influx of requests to crochet a full face balaclava for my next project.

I put a lovely little video together today of my cat Tiggy who, unfortunately, I had to get rehomed, all the files were in MOV format and would not import into Windows Movie Maker so I had to find a programme to do that first, I am loving editing videos but the time flys by, anyway you can see the new video HERE and I have put music to it, tried to make the clips short but long enough to give it the awww, aaaah, hehehehe factor so hopefully it will get lots of viewings.

What else have I been upto, oh yeah, told estate agent I wanted to take the house of the market on Monday, so I have now had two viewings, I didn't hoover or anything as I dont want to sell it, is that bad??????????  Mood seems to be ok now I am back on the old prozac, benefits are still going through appeal, should hopefully receive a payment tomorrow, should have been Monday but they are saying I never sent my doctors note in in time, blah blah blah delay tactics blah blah blah.

Operation Fish Tank Occupy is not going to happen, the power cable got wet in the shed and has now stopped working, not sure if I can just get that part and how much it will cost, so I have a full tank with no fish in, I might just go and buy some carrots, make fish shapes out of them and dangle them in the water.

No plans for the rest of the day, counselling is postponed again until next week as she is on a course, I only have £2.14 in the bank so cant go shopping so I think I am just going to veg infront of the tv and do a bit more crochet or maybe cross stitch.

Shellie B

Saw 3D and Andy Pandy

Well I had such a lovely day yesterday, got all my chores done nice and early, taught myself how to "tie off" properly for Crochet and then Andy Pandy arrived, armed with a Happy Meal, I think he was just after the toys really!!!!  Bounced lots of ideas off him as I had not seen anyone for 2 weeks so had a few things buzzing around my head, have decided to get some fish, if they die then I will sell the fish tank!!!!  We watched "The American" with a very scrawny George Clooney in it, what a load of poop, if you like watching trees, looking out of coffee shops, emotionless faces then this is a must for you!!!!.  Had fish and chips for dinner followed by jelly and ice cream, felt like I was at a party, then we headed out for the highlight of the night!!!!!

We went and watched Saw 3D, if you are brave enough watch the trailer HERE, dont worry you dont see any of the gory bits. All I can say is "what an excellent horror film", started off straight away with action and just kept on going.  Now, I am a hardended horror movie fan but this one had me cringing and turning away on quite a few occasions, it was great in 3D as body bits/slivers kept flying out of the screen at us and the ending, well what a great twist.  They say this is the last one but it has been left that maybe there could be another one????

On the way home I saw a woman being dragged across the road by her head so asked Andy Pandy to go round so we could check she was ok, by the time we got there she was sparko on the floor, the guy "Polish" said she was "pissed" and they needed to get to Daventry, she then started crying and rolling around the floor and as someone else turned up we drove off, felt a bit bad but they were drunk at the end of the day and she was breathing so we guessed it would be ok, checked the news this morning and all ok in Northampton.

Andy Pandy dropped me off home around 11pm and I was pooping myself walking down to my house, I held the front door key so tightly that if anyone had jumped out at me I would have stabbed them in the the eye with it, got in the house ok and all seemed ok, no funny little man peddling around on a tricycle so headed to bed armed with 3 cats.

Seems another lovely sunny day out there and I am looking forward to watching the Grand Prix this afternoon, still in shock about poor Jenson Button nearly being ambushed by gunmen, perhaps he will keep having flashbacks during the race and drive like a nutter and win.

Shellie B

Am getting "Crafty"

Found a lovely throw pattern to Crochet, surprised myself when I realised I can now blend colours and make a lovely little square, cant wait to finish it.  When I have some money I am going to do one in Red, Grey, Black and Cream/White colour as I have black leather sofa, red carpet and Purely Shell paint on the walls, chose that paint because of the name, yes am a saddo, firstly I am going to do one with the colours I randomly got a couple of weeks ago and try and sell it to fund more Crochet, luckily I think all the colours go rather well together.

As I was tired but excited I did a couple more squares but counted incorrectly and did not tie off properly so they cannot be used, but I love the "Popcorn" stitch and think throws made in a variety of colours should sell, I could offer to custom make them so people can choose there own colour preferences.

Did not really do much else yesterday, my memory is not allowing myself to recall what I got up to but I know I went to the Library, posted my Medical Certificate to Job Centre and had a good cry as they are still appealing my benefits, not sure when that will be resolved but hopefully I will be fit for work soon as I feel the new tablets are ok but its early days.  I am still taking my Dizzy/Nausea tablets which really help and means I can function.

Well the cats have still not released that the clocks when back and were prodding me at silly 'o' hour again, as I did not budge Abigail got under the covers and started making bread on my tummy with her sharp little pins, that worked and up I got so washing is done and out on the line, housework is done and now I am going to do some Crochet before Andy Pandy comes round.  We are off to the cinema tonight to see Saw (see saw hahahahahahaha, sorry lost it for a while) in 3D, I am so excited as I have not seen anyone for 2 weeks and I love seeing Andy as he listens to all my woes and supports me so much, I have made a blackcurrant Jelly, which keeps calling me from the fridge, and will make us fish and chips for tea, I do feel guilty though as he is again treating me to the cinema, will spoil him when I am working again, he has become such a great friend to me that I never realised was just there in the background waiting for me to ask for help, love him to bits, even though he does love his comics very much!!!!


Right am going to put Trueblood Season 3 on as Eric is soooooooooooooo hot in that season, whilst I do some more crochet,

Happy Caturday,
Shellie B

Baking, Cleaning, Fish Tanks and Frogs!

Well after my few dark days the light is shining on me again, thanks mummy for giving me your strength, beautiful characteristics and great sense of humor, we always managed to keep each other sane and I know you are still doing that from whatever lays beyond for us all.

Most of yesterday was spent on the PC, had quite a few enquiries regarding the room, so thats looking positive, searched for my next crochet project and surfed about a bit, after suffering from a numb bum (must get new computer chair), I decided to get the fish tank out of the shed, which has been in there for over a year, the cardboard box I had stored it in had molded to it, there were snails everywhere and mud, then when I pick it up a bloody frog jumped out at me, ooh I hate those things, only because they leap about and surprise you, I quickly hid it before the cats saw it, could just imagine Tiffany fluffy bum trying to work out what that was!!!!  Anyway gave it a lovely clean, its all dried out this morning and I am pleased to say everything electrical still works in it, I now have a quandry, do I sell it or keep it.  It has a 3 way filter, a light and Tetranec filter and air bubble curtain thingy that goes through the ship, I recogn I could maybe get £30 for it????  Or shall I get some fish, have found a lovely spot on one of the kitchen worksurfaces for it, but I must admit I dont have a good track record with keeping them alive, maybe I should get a couple and if they die then sell it?

As I had my cleaning and domesticated head on I cleaned the grill, eugh layers of tin foil later and now its all sparkly so am too frightened to use it and dirty it now!  I then decided to make some muffins from my GI Diet book but had to improvise slightly as I did not have all the ingredients, they are low in fat, high in fibre and great for snacks as they are very filling, they take me a bit of getting used to as I have such a HUGE sweet tooth, here is the recipe incase anyone is interested in trying them:

Dried Fruit Bran Muffins

45g (1 1/2 oz) All Bran Cereal
225ml (8fl oz) Skimmed Milk
100g (3 1/2 oz) Whole Wheat Flour
5 tbsp Sugar or Sugar substitute
2 tsp Baking Powder
1/2 tsp Baking Soda
1/4 tsp Salt
1 tsp Cinnamon or Allspice
180g (6oz) Oat Bran
100g (3 1/2 oz) Dried Fruit
1 Egg
2 tsp Vegetable Oil

1. Mix the All-Bran and skimmed milk in a bowl and let stand for a few minutes
2. In a large bowl, mix the flour, sugar, baking power, baking soda, salt and spices.  Stir in the oat bran and dried fruit.
3. In a small bowl, combine the egg and vegetable oil.  Stir, along with the All-Bran mixture into the dry ingredients.
4. Spoon mixture into either an oil-sprayed 12 muffin tray or into 12 muffin cases.  Bake at 175°c/350°F/Gas Mark 4 for 20 minutes or until lightly browned.
5. Nom Nom Nom Nom

Finally as my Tapestry Needle had arrived from my lovely friend Wendy, I decided to do some more of my cross stitch, I can do this quite easily now whilst watching the TV, its so relaxing, still have quite a bit to do and a birdie has landed!!!!

Today I am going to start on a Crochet blanket and ponder over what do to with my Fish tank............any suggestions regarding fish tank please comment below as I cannot make my mind up.

Happy Friday,
Shellie B

Mr Blue Bear born 3rd November 2010 and room for rent

Well I have finally finished my first crochet project, Little Mr Blue Bear, it was a big learning curve as each limb or ear was done differently as I was sussing out what I should be doing but I dont think he has turned out too bad, this is what is he supposed to look like and also the PATTERN.   I am going to keep him as a momento and maybe make him some little clothes as I go along, I also want to get some red felt and make him a little heart, I am not sure about this bow but had to use what I could scavenge around the house, hmmmm now the decision on what to make next........

Mr Blue Bear  ~^..^~

I am not sure what I am going to make next but I think I should try something I can sell as I am struggling big time on my benefits and this extra money will help me buy more materials to keep on with my new hobby.  I have decided to make the 3rd little bedroom into a craft room, it does not have any electrical sockets (strange little house) but one of the sewing machines is powered from a light bulb fitting (even stranger little house).  I will need to find a really cheap table to set up in the room for the sewing machine, I have spare sets of drawers that I can use for supplies and I think I will paint and maybe stencil them to might it look more cosy and pretty.

Well I had the last of my sleeping pills last night so its now time to face reality and just give myself a right royal kick up the backside and get on with things, I laid in bed for a while this morning dwelling on things that were worrying me and things that should be said instead of bottling them up. I emailed my good friend, who saved my Abigail's life, today as I felt I needed to explain how I was feeling, I just hope it has not been taking offensively as that is not how it is meant but I just dont want to add to other peoples stress to which I am very conscious about perhaps doing this.  I have also put the master bedroom up for rent HERE so everyone please keep everything crossed as that would be a real blessing to get some one in and have the extra money.

EDF lady called me back yesterday, what a really lovely person, sometimes you just know that people love there jobs and give really good customer service, well she was one of them, I did not get her last name but she is going to call me back at the end of the month to do a new meter reading so I will get it then and write to her company to sing her praises.  Well my gas went down from £35 per fortnight to £20 and the electricity is £27, now providing I pay that then all warrants on my property will cease, this is going to be a real struggle as I currently only received £130.90 per fortnight and I still have my water, Mobile, TV, Landline, Broadband and car insurance to pay.  My mobile is now set to receive calls only so I will not get any more monthly charges for the next 10 weeks whilst I pay that off, TV/Broadband/Landline are all tied in and I have the cheapest option on those and my car insurance is £34 a month but I cannot reduce that but I am really hopeful I can get the doctor to agree that I can start to work part time in the next few weeks, again fingers crossed everyone.

Today I lit a candle for my precious mummy HERE, select search at the top and put in Shell and then select the United Kingdom one and you will see my candle and words,

I cant tell you what a relieve it is to be able to open curtains now that I know the EDF situation is sorted as I was hiding in my house before and not answering the door as too scared.  I am also feeling much less teary today but that could be that I have no more tears to cry and I have got a few things off my chest, the only thing bugging me now is that there is a really annoying rose branch rubbing on the patio doors, I might have to go and chop it as its making an awful scraping/screeching noise.

As my blogs have been so depressing lately I am leaving you with a picture of my lovely Angel and her first kitties she had back on 160407,

Shellie B

Few bad days

As expected I have had a few really bad days from coming off my meds, Sunday I started some kind of gastric thing and was so dizzy I could not watch tv, walk or do anything, so I laid in bed like a zombie, not moving.

I had my scheduled visit to the docs yesterday and am now on Flouxetine, chemical name for prozac, and as the doc now thinks I have 2 viral infections I am on some gross tablets that I have to let dissolve on my gum to help with the dizziness/nausea, I also have co-codamol for the pain and temazepam to help me sleep if needed.  With all this going on and the changing of my anti-depressants I am signed off for another 2 months, due to see doc in 4 weeks to see how things are going with new meds.

After the visit to the docs I decided to pop to the shops as I was out and get a nice thick slice loaf for some toast, as usual I cannot just get what I go in the shop for and ended up buying eggs, double decker 4 pack, blackcurrant jelly and beef supernoodles, odd shop I know but I thought I could do with some comfort food once I could eat again, the eggs are so that I can make some of my high bran muffins when I feel up to it as they are great and filling for snacks.

My crochet has taken a back seat as I cannot read to do the patterns, let alone concentrate, so poor Blue Bear just has his head at the moment, picture below.  My lovely friend, Wendy, has posted me a tapestry needle so that I can carry on with my cross stitch as mine did a runner and I posted a little package off to my lovely little online friend, Sophie, yesterday with an instructional DVD about Crochet as she had been struggling to learn this craft before and I found the DVD so easy to follow and also has a great reference chapter for a refresher on basic stitches.

Blue Bear taking shape

I have managed to wash up and hoover this morning, had some toast and a cup of tea, now have silly tablet on gum so I can pay online bills without feeling too sick when eyes are moving around looking at things, not sure what the rest of the day has in store but I know it will be very uneventful.

Shellie B

Crochet - my first stitches

As my cross stitch is coming to end, well it would have been if I hadn't lost my needle!!!, I thought I should take up another hobby and maybe one that could earn me some money, so I decided on Crochet, I think I used to do it when I was a very young girl, so hey it cant be that hard can it..................um yes it can.

My "Tutorial how to Crochet DVD" arrived so I was all set, just one problem, all the instructions were for right handed people, I am left handed.  Oh well minor detail I thought and maybe I can learn right handed as I am ambidextrous, so below is a picture of my first nights attempt.

1st Attempt right handed at Single Crochet Ridges

I was getting in such a muddle that I thought I would try left handed, took a while for the old brain to mirror the DVD but I think I might have cracked it!!!!!

1st attempt left handed at Single Crochet Ridges

Lattice

Long Single Crochet Bricks

Alterning Mesh (or mess as mine appears to be)

Lacy

Well all there is left for me now is to try and actually make something, that will be the challenge as its very easy watching step by step on a DVD but to actually read a pattern and then do the stitches is going to be very difficult.  I have a couple of books from the library and I can always refer back to the stitches on the DVD if I get stuck or should I say when I get stuck. 

Finishing off my blog with the lovely Abigail modelling the Lacy swatch I made.

Shellie B

Coming off my meds for Depression

If anyone has ever experienced this it is the worst thing ever to go through and such an emotional roller coaster but alas I find myself going through it again, this all started back in June when I went to see the doc as I was having problems with my bladder, after urine and blood tests came back ok she decided that the medication I had been on for a while was causing this problem and so it began.  After becoming the bitch from hell and not being able to cope with day to day work I was signed off to allow the tablets to work, well all they did was balloon my feet and knees so much that I could not walk, eventually after shouting down the telephone at the doctor (sometimes thats the only way they will listen) she agreed to change them, well these are not working either so I find myself back to square one.

I hate feeling like this, so out of control, any little thing will set me off and then I have to fight really hard to stifle the temper rising in me, poor Angel got most of it last night as she was attacking the wool when I was trying to Crochet, normally this would make me laugh but instead I screamed like a banchee.  I also cannot remember doing things or where I have put stuff, I am very clumsy, drop and break things, which makes me even more frustrated and angry, I am not a nice person to be around at the moment.  I have put sorting through my mums things on hold as I really dont feel I can cope with this emotionally right now and it wont take much to tip me back over the edge.

On a positive note it has been exactly 3 months since I last took an overdose and drank but I am going to have to be really careful for the next few weeks as I am so emotionally charged and I feel any little thing could make me slip back down that road.  I stop taking my meds completely tomorrow so that by monday I can start on the new ones, I have asked to go back on Prozac as they worked for me before along time ago, odd how I have to tell my doctor which medication to put me on, this also means no return to work in the immediate future.

I have lost all interest in looking after myself, only eating once a day, going from my bed to my sofa, not washing/brushing my hair etc, I am just too exhausted to try and keep myself going when I feel this low, at least the doctor will see me at my lowest and give me the help I have needed for years.  For any of you that might be concerned about my cats, please dont be, as I always make sure they are ok, I just cant be bothered with myself.

Shellie B

Getting the hang of it now!

I had quite a lazy day yesterday, my Cruse lady cancelled so I decided I did not need to do things with urgency and spent most of the day sitting at my PC, I completely redesigned my blog, I hope you all like it, as I learn I am sure I will be able to add more to it but I am very proud of how it looks and cant stop looking at it, yes I am a saddo hehehehe.  The only reason I stopped sitting at my PC was because Angel ran over and started biting my feet, it was her cheeky way of telling me it was feeding time as it was nearly 6pm, I couldn't stop laughing at how cheeky and clever she was.  Tiffany my eldest cat has regressed to a kitten or has senile dementure as she seems to like to play hide and seek with me, jumps out at me with no warning and then zooms off for me to find her, completely bonkers household!!!!

Well I did not attempt any crochet yesterday as I ran out of time but I did go and change the wool, was more expensive but hopefully it will be easier to use, on my journey out yesterday I also discovered that a quite run down looking garden/fish/pet shop thingy is actually a haven of cheap bits and bobs, balls of wool for only £1.19 and incense sticks, packs of 20 for only 49p, they are like a very cheap Homebase and have practically everything in there, they will now be on my list of places to visit regularly, especially as I am on a budget.  They had some cute bunnies for only £5, if I still had my rabbit hutch I may have been tempted to buy one, I did then ponder about cleaning the fish tank out that is in the shed and maybe get some fish, but I have no where to put it as a set of sockets where it was before have decided to not work anymore, I might still decide to do this and maybe get the cats a fish each for xmas!

Apart from doing a load of washing and hoovering that was the extent of my day which was finished off by doing some more cross stitch whilst watching TV, picture above of what it now looks like, I still have the sky, butterflies, wording and outlining to do.

Not sure what my plans are today but I do need to start up my daily walks again, I have uploaded the first Sookie Stackhouse book to my MP3 player all ready and I then I think I will have a Crochet lesson.  The house is very quite, Tiffany is curled up in a ball on the sofa and I think Abigail and Angel are out causing havoc in the neighbourhood.

I will leave you all with this cute picture of Tiffany all snuggly on the fleece blankets,
Shellie B xxx

Broken Brollies and Steamed up Glasses

I certainly picked the worse day to go out yesterday but my trusty bargain waterproof jacket from Ebay was lifesaver and stood up to the wind and rain but unfortunately my poor brollie didnt and could someone please please invent windscreen wipers for glasses or demisters as everytime I got in the car they would steam up and I could not see where I was going!!!!  Apart from all that I had a very eventful day starting off by dropping some books into a charity shop, they were very pleased with my offerings and I must admit I have not heard of them before, www.dapp-uk.org, then I headed to the Central Library which to be honest is a waste of time as they never have what I am looking for in there.  As I was in the town centre I headed to my bank and to my JOY they reimbursed the £15 charges I had incurred for being 1p overdrawn for 3 days, and so they should have.

I then headed to St James library which is a lot smaller but had lots more in there and I found some books on Crochet, they also said they would take in some of my old books, Central Library would not, so they are now my favourite and I will not be using the main one again!!!!  As I was in St James I popped into the new Tattoo parlour to get a quote on having 4 little paw prints on my wrist, was quite shocked when they said £40, does that sound right????  That will have to wait until I am working again, maybe I should just have 3 little paw prints as I have 3 cats?????

Finally I headed very wearily to Hobbycraft to get a crochet hook and some wool, then I staggered around Sainsburys, by this time my poor feet were so in so much pain that I could have quite easily sat in the trolly and asked someone to push me round the store.  Feeling very sorry for myself I thought some treats were in order so I got some crisps and a bag of lollies, oh and some Ovaltine, was very good and stuck to not allowing myself any cakes or chocolate as I have about 5 stone to lose.

By the time I got home it was nearly 5pm, I had been out all afternoon so no wonder my poor feet were so painful, I threw a pasta bake in the oven and hobbled to the bath, I was now walking around the house like I had pooped myself, not an attractive look, anyway I tried a bit of crochet but have decided the wool I have is more like elastic so will go and change that today, also I am left handed and my instructional DVD I got from Ebay is showing how to crochet with your right hand, so I am now trying to learn to do this right handed and you can imagine what a pickle I am getting into so I gave up and did some cross stitch for a while whilst watching a bit of TV, added a piccie below of my handy work so far.

Well I am pleased to say that after my eventful day yesterday I got a full 8hrs undisturbed sleep, I cant remember when I have last been able to do that, my good mood did not last too long once the post arrived as DWP are still looking at my appeal for Employment and Support Allowance even though I am signed off medically unfit for work by my docs, anyway I got my benefits yesterday so I am not going to let this worry me.

As the washing is finished I had better go and decide where to put that and then I have my lovely Cruse lady coming round, wonder if we will get round to coping with Bereavement today????

Have a safe day everyone,
Shellie B

Wind, Rain and very cold

The day I decide to head into town and its really windy and rainy out there, oh well my new £4 waterproof windbreaker from Ebay will be put to the test today!!!!  Had a good sleep until 4am, went back to sleep at 7am and woke at 10am, also have very bizarre dream about being bridesmaid to my sister who was having a very ott wedding, somehow I found Katie Price in a changing room/toilet so she came along for a picture with my sister who was having a hissy fit as I had not had my hair and make up done, after I got that done I then when into one as they would not trim my fluffy white beard, weird!!!!!  Do not eat peanut butter on toast before bed!!!

Well have started to reduce meds so that by Monday I can start new ones, fingers crossed these work so I can look at going back to work.  My plans today consist of returning books to the library and maybe finding anything about crochet and a good thriller to read, then will go to the pound shop, take books to the charity shop, go food shopping and get some wool and a crochet hook as I am going to learn how to crochet today, will post pictures when I work out how to do that on here.

Yesterday I scanned in pictures of Tiffany as a cute kitten, pictures of my mums doggies and our family home which I found in the loft, as I decided I should really start to go through things now, its has been 13 yrs since she passed away and everything just got packed away and put up in the loft out of out sight and mind but they cant stay up there forever.  I loved looking at the pictures and posted them on facebook but they also made me sad as I miss her so very much and our home, which was always my safe haven.

Right coffee is now drunk so I need to brave the elements and head into town, I wonder if I an get away with wearing my ear muffs whilst walking around town??

Happy TunaTuesday to you all as my cats would say,
Shellie B x

My first blog

As the title states this is my first ever blog, I have some friends on twitter who "blog" so I thought this might be a good idea as I do not seem to be able to write up my journal everyday, so just a bit of background as to what has been happening the last few months.  At the end of June my doctor decided my meds were not working properly so decided to change them, I have been on a roller coaster ride ever since and not been able to work as medically signed off by my doctor.  After weeks of telling my doc the meds I am on now are still not working she has agreed we need to change them, hoorah!!!!  I am each day trying to get some kind of structure back into my life as not working and being on benefits kind of restricts what you can do without costing anything, so each day I am going for a walk whilst listening to an audio book so I do not get too bored and I am also doing a lovely cat cross stitch, my first ever one.


The DWP have decided I am no longer entitled to my benefits even though I am signed off by my doctor so that is going to appeal and then I found out today my bank is charging me £15 for being 1p overdrawn for 3 days, I spent well over an hour crying my eyes out this morning and now I am just too exhausted to do anything, everytime I try to call out on my cordless phone it cuts out, the urge to launch this out the window at the moment is HUGE.  After 2 cups of coffee and wittering to poor KitschyDuck on Twitter I have now calmed down and for some bizarre reason got 3 boxes out of the loft to sort out, my loft is full of all my mums belonging from when we cleared our family home, 12 years ago......do I really want to be doing this..........NO but it needs to be done.

My 3 cats have vacated the house as they cant cope with their mum making an awful howling noise but they did leave me a lovely huge blackbird on the back doorstep!!!!  Well this is my first blog, am kind of excited but also apprehensive as not sure if I have blogged correctly???

Bye for now,
Shellie B xxx