Monday, 20 December 2010

You cant choose your family.............

..............never a truer word said.  After my quite positive outlook on everything and my blog yesterday it all went downhill quite dramatically, all thanks to family.  Now I will admit that I have not been the best family member, I never coped with dad leaving, I self harmed for attention, I have not coped with my depression, I have not coped with losing my mum, I have binge drinked (is that english?), I have been frustrated which has resulted in me lashing out at my family, my way of asking for help, I have really been quite vile.  Because of all this I accepted that they did not want to have anything to do with me, broke my heart as I realised I really was on my own but then I thought, hang on a minute, you always have been since losing mum so how hard can it be.

Well those that follow my blogs know that I have had a really awful time from June this year, unfit to work, cannot find the right anti-depressants to help me, nearly lost the house, had to rehome two of my beautiful cats, which might not seem that tragic to some but to any animal lovers out there you will understand how upsetting that can be and how it can make you feel like you have failed them, got caught using my mobile in my car, fined £60 and 3 points on my license, I was stopped at red lights at the time, so was very unlucky and various other little things that all add up.

So thats the negatives of the year, the positives are that I redecorated the whole house, inside and out, got a Time Order against my loan company trying to repossess the house, issued a grant from EDF Energy for my fuel bills, learnt to Crochet and have been selling quite a bit of my lovely little creations, been having bereavement counselling, not drunk or taken an overdose since 29th July 2010!!!

Feeling quite strong with everything that has been going on, I felt I was ready to be in contact with my dad again after receiving his xmas card and his "friend" request on facebook, so as you do, you browse through what they have been doing throughout the year, my sister had been to visit him and there was a lovely picture of them together, was a bit upset but was glad they were there for each other, then I saw this remark from my Auntie and the reply from my sister:

Susan Haw to all my family on facebook, it is with great sadness that i have to tell you that i have had to report michelle "shellie" batchelor for abusive behaviour, she has finally lost the plot and i would advise you all to ignore her, she is beyond help

Sam Poulton not again??? I have had almost seven months of peace, long may it reign...she drinking again?
What hurt most is that this was posted for the whole world to see and they have never really tried to help me anyway, so I messaged my dad and told him what I had seen and that I was getting on much better without them and asked to just be left alone.  Whenever I have had a hiccup with things it has been family that has triggered it off, I have never been good enough for them, they look down there nose at me and make me feel like scum, so I spent most of the afternoon crying and would like to thank Lynne and my lovely facebook and twitter friends for calming down, I have not slept because it was going over and over in my head so now feel like death warmed up.

I have ripped up his xmas card, might be petty but I dont want the damn thing in my house or in view, have blocked all family members from facebook and am trying desparately to put yesterday behind me as I really dont want to fall into my usual trap and have black thoughts, especially this time of year.  I am going to sainsburys today to get my xmas food and the urge to buy alcohol, so I can just block out my birthday and xmas is huge, my normal drinking binge would last about 3 days and god knows how many bottles of spirits later BUT I am not going to let them win, I am stronger than they think, I can survive without them, I want a better life for ME, I dont care what they think anymore.

Wow feel much better now I have that off my chest, right am off out to face the brrrrrr weather

Shellie B

1 comment:

  1. Just read your blog Shellie, what a terrible time you have had. I think it is 'there but the grace of God' When life kicks us we all have different ways of coping.
    Stay strong and don't give in.
    I had a very truthful but not very tactful 'friend' who, on hearing I had a breast lump and had to go in for removal of the lump told me not to start eating for comfort as it would not help to be fat as well.....
    I have never forgotten it. (I did eat for comfort and it wasn't cancer!)
    Good Luck for 2011 Shellie, and I look forward to seeing the Amagurumi in your shop.


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