Thursday, 30 December 2010


Not sure what else to call the time between Xmas and New Year, the hype of xmas is all over and we then wait for the New Year to come in, some people have to work inbetween, which normally seems quite pointless as not much to do, while others are off, hopefully those who have some money can take advantage of the sales whilst others just sit around watching mundane tv and trying to get motivated.

Ok maybe that last bit describes me, I am looking forward to this year being over, it has to be the worst year since 1997/98, the year I lost my mum and then 4 months afterwards having a brain tumor removed, life changing events that did not catch up to me until about 5 years ago when I moved and became very isolated.

So now I have to think *how am I going to make 2011 work for me*, my initial thought was *its going to be the same old crap again* but if I think like that then it will and things will never change.  After my visit to the docs yesterday I have been signed off for a further 2 months, so this is my opportunity to straighten myself out and get ready for facing the working world again, infact to face the world again.

My bereavement counsellor never turned up on 22nd December and I have not heard from her since, as I seemed to have coped through anniversary of losing mum and xmas kind of on my own then maybe I dont really need her anymore, I did look forward to her visits as she was the only person who I saw but now I have my housemate I have company again.

New Years Resolutions, well I dont believe in them as they are just something you set for an excuse to break them, yes I need to lose weight etc but I am not going to set myself any targets as I will be doomed to fail, I will just do everything in my own stride so that I can succeed, all I am going to keep telling myself through 2011 is *think positive and be strong*.

I know that with the help of my twitter family, who do more for me than they will ever imagine, and my best friends Lynne and Andy I will not slip back down into the dark tunnel I have been hiding in for the last 5 years, so goodbye 2010, I will not say good riddance, (ok I just did), as I have been on a huge journey, learnt so much and have come out stronger, if I had not gone through the last year where would I be???

Shellie B

Saturday, 25 December 2010

Xmas Day

My goodness I am so excited with the presents I have received this year that I have had to do a blog, its like all my wishes have come true, this is the best xmas ever, I was really good and waited until after my dinner to open all my gifts and I am just flabbergasted at the wonderful people I know, here is a picture of my fabulous booty:

So my first present I opened was a package from CupcakeJoJo, I had ordered one of her beautifully hand sewn Hearts, every year I also get a present for myself from my mum, so I thought that would be perfect, well when I opened the box there was also an Xmas Pudding Cupcake, I have wanted to buy one of Jo's cupcake's for ages but have not been able to afford one, they are so much better in real life than in the pictures!!!!  If you would like one of her wonderful creations you can find her shop here, she is also having a Sale so no time like the present to take a look.

My next present was from Ian and Karen Lawrence and its just perfect, I quite often look over the books in hobbycraft wishing I could afford to buy one on amigurumi and I was so surprised and excited to see an amigurumi book but not just any amigurumi book but the one I wanted, I was clapping and giggling when looking at all the little projects inside to make, so many great ideas for my folksy shop!!!!!

My next present was from Laura, my new housemate, a really gorgeous bar of chocolate, I will be eating that tonight whilst watching the soaps, nom nom nom.

My last 2 parcels were from Sophie, I opened the ones containing the soaps that I again ordered for myself as I dont have any family and wanted something to open xmas day, I was suprised to see lots of lovely samples inside too, they smell so lush and I havent even got them out the packaging, will be hard to resist eating them.  I have cake slices, snowflake, stars, a crown and a Gingerbread man, the detail is amazing on them and they all have different smells, I highly recommend everyone treating themselves to some of these luxury divine smelling soaps which can be bought from Sophie's folksy shop here.

The last presents I opened just knocked me for six, how well Sophie knows me and I was not expecting what was inside them at all, to be honest I thought it was going to be a cat calender but its SO much better, the Official TrueBlood calender and its amazing, also I have a keyring with a half naked Eric pictured on it, I have died and gone to heaven!!!!

So from not really looking forward to today I am like a little child all excited and pawing over my presents, I have them all displayed so I can keep on looking at them, so a HUGE thank you and mammoth HUGS to Ian, Karen, Jo and Sophie, I love you all so much and am so pleased to have you all as my new lovely friends I discovered through twitter this year, I hope you all got lots of exciting things and were spoilt like I have been, THANK  YOU

Shellie B

Monday, 20 December 2010

You cant choose your family.............

..............never a truer word said.  After my quite positive outlook on everything and my blog yesterday it all went downhill quite dramatically, all thanks to family.  Now I will admit that I have not been the best family member, I never coped with dad leaving, I self harmed for attention, I have not coped with my depression, I have not coped with losing my mum, I have binge drinked (is that english?), I have been frustrated which has resulted in me lashing out at my family, my way of asking for help, I have really been quite vile.  Because of all this I accepted that they did not want to have anything to do with me, broke my heart as I realised I really was on my own but then I thought, hang on a minute, you always have been since losing mum so how hard can it be.

Well those that follow my blogs know that I have had a really awful time from June this year, unfit to work, cannot find the right anti-depressants to help me, nearly lost the house, had to rehome two of my beautiful cats, which might not seem that tragic to some but to any animal lovers out there you will understand how upsetting that can be and how it can make you feel like you have failed them, got caught using my mobile in my car, fined £60 and 3 points on my license, I was stopped at red lights at the time, so was very unlucky and various other little things that all add up.

So thats the negatives of the year, the positives are that I redecorated the whole house, inside and out, got a Time Order against my loan company trying to repossess the house, issued a grant from EDF Energy for my fuel bills, learnt to Crochet and have been selling quite a bit of my lovely little creations, been having bereavement counselling, not drunk or taken an overdose since 29th July 2010!!!

Feeling quite strong with everything that has been going on, I felt I was ready to be in contact with my dad again after receiving his xmas card and his "friend" request on facebook, so as you do, you browse through what they have been doing throughout the year, my sister had been to visit him and there was a lovely picture of them together, was a bit upset but was glad they were there for each other, then I saw this remark from my Auntie and the reply from my sister:

Susan Haw to all my family on facebook, it is with great sadness that i have to tell you that i have had to report michelle "shellie" batchelor for abusive behaviour, she has finally lost the plot and i would advise you all to ignore her, she is beyond help

Sam Poulton not again??? I have had almost seven months of peace, long may it reign...she drinking again?
What hurt most is that this was posted for the whole world to see and they have never really tried to help me anyway, so I messaged my dad and told him what I had seen and that I was getting on much better without them and asked to just be left alone.  Whenever I have had a hiccup with things it has been family that has triggered it off, I have never been good enough for them, they look down there nose at me and make me feel like scum, so I spent most of the afternoon crying and would like to thank Lynne and my lovely facebook and twitter friends for calming down, I have not slept because it was going over and over in my head so now feel like death warmed up.

I have ripped up his xmas card, might be petty but I dont want the damn thing in my house or in view, have blocked all family members from facebook and am trying desparately to put yesterday behind me as I really dont want to fall into my usual trap and have black thoughts, especially this time of year.  I am going to sainsburys today to get my xmas food and the urge to buy alcohol, so I can just block out my birthday and xmas is huge, my normal drinking binge would last about 3 days and god knows how many bottles of spirits later BUT I am not going to let them win, I am stronger than they think, I can survive without them, I want a better life for ME, I dont care what they think anymore.

Wow feel much better now I have that off my chest, right am off out to face the brrrrrr weather

Shellie B

Sunday, 19 December 2010

Christmas is nearly here

Gosh I have been so busy with my crochet that I have not had time to blog, lots has happened, some good, some not so good but with the help of my lovely Lynne and twitter friends I am remaining strong.

So first of all an update on my Folksy shop which you can find HERE, I have reached 24 sales and had lots of lovely feed back about my items which has really boosted my confidence, I was never really sure if my stuff was good enough to sell, especially as I have only been doing my crochet for just over a month, I am trying to do a variety of things to sell, below are few piccies of my some of my new items:
So healthwise has not been so good as last tablets have caused problems with my bladder so I have had to come off them and starting on new ones, have not been so down this time, I think maybe because I have had something to concentrate on, fingers crossed they will be ok as I really need to be able to get back to work, not that I want to but I have a house that does not pay for itself.  The anniversary of losing my mum has come and gone, I had a really lovely day and gave myself the afternoon off from doing my Crochet, I cooked a lovely roast dinner, lit a beautiful smelly candle and watched some great films on tv, snuggled up with the cats.  This time last year I was in and out of hospital and on drips etc to counteract my actions, who would have thought I would have come this far and be doing everything I am now, I think the time I have had at home has really helped me sort myself out, normally I am just stressing about working, getting money etc.

My xmas tree is up, is goes up on the 29th Nov every year, the anniversary of losing mum, as we put the tree up for her as we knew she would not be with us for Xmas day, surprisingly it still has all its decs on it even though Angel has tried to climb it a few times.  I have two presents under it, one from lovely Sophie and the other one from the wonderful Ian and Karen, friends I have met through twitter and who are now very dear to me.  I also, surprisingly, have got lots of xmas cards, considering I am not working I did not think I would get any, so that shows me what geniune lovely friends I have out there.  I even got one from my Dad, which was a shock and has left me feeling all confused and upset, I searched for him on facebook to send him a thank you message and was even more upset to see a picture of him with my sister and further down his wall she wrote "I will always being your little princess" or something to that effect, I just thought what a load of bullshit but again that upset me too, seems my family are coping really well without me as they are not having to face up to the problems that I have, oh well I have become stronger not having contact with them and must not let this pull me back down again, but I am angry as they deserted me when I was calling out for help.

On a positive note I the EDF Energy Trust granted my application and have paid off the arrears on my gas and electrity so I can start the New Year with a clean slate on my utilities at least, we also seem to have escaped the snow which has hit the country quite bad, we get a light dusting and lots of ice, hope we gets lots of xmas day, that would be lovely.  I am really looking forward to opening my pressies and watching Wizard of Oz, another tradition for my mum, wonder what everyone else has planned?

Shellie B x

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