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Sunday, 20 March 2011

Misunderstood and confused............

Amendment: Some people seem to be upset with this blog, I am not angry at any actions last night apart from my own, I am so overwhelmed at the love out there for me and the concern, I have never seen such a community pull together for a stranger like that.  The title is about me feeling confused and misunderstanding my life and what I am doing, not about anything anyone did for me last night...........Thank you all so much.

For months now I have used my blog and Twitter to express how I am feeling and never before have got the reaction I got last night, I foolishly said things that were in my head and needed to come out without thinking of the effect it would have on people and as my blog seemed to be doing the rounds and causing more panic I thought it best to remove it, much to my own upset because as people rightly say, it is there not only to help me but to also help others who are going through the same thing and do not realise.

Yes I tweeted from Tiffany's account that I was tired, fed up and about taking tablets and drink so I could sleep, as did not think that anyone on there would really care, after all they are her anipal friends, had I done it, no, was it stupid to say, Yes, why did I do it, I have no idea, when you are upset are you logical, well I know that I am not, did I think lots of animal strangers would react like they would, no otherwise I would not have done it but I had to get those negative thoughts out of my head, again there was reason behind my blog post which could be read that I intended to harm myself, which I had no intention of doing, those that know me would see it as my way to again release those demons.

I am not a very strong person even though everyone thinks I am, I got upset on twitter last night with someone who I believed was being ungrateful even though they understand the difficulties that I face as they too suffer very similar to the way I do, I had done something very stressful to myself to help them and felt they had it thrown back in my face and it really upset me and I did lose all faith in human nature as a result, this was just one of the sparks that ignited last nights events, the main contributor was the fact that I had the worst week ever at work, on Tuesday late afternoon I made a critical error that nearly cost me my job and the company one of there biggest accounts, I worked 12 hrs a day to help rectify and repair the damage I had caused, so I was tired and very fragile, my confidence in my work is now at an all time low.

A bit about me, I lost my mum/friend/confidant/soul mate/the other half of me 13 yrs ago, I held her whilst she slipped away, I cuddled her when she got scared, I looked after her while her life fell to bits, I rang her whilst I was out walking her beloved dogs so she could imagine she was out walking with us, any spare time I had I shared with her, even before she was ill.  I will never forget her words on the 3rd May 1997 when she turned 50, she looked at me and said *thats it I am going to die now*, she was not ill then and a very fit, able bodied person.  On the 29th November, that same year, she passed away, she was the most beautiful person you could ever know, I am so lost without her as half of me died that day and I have no idea how to keep going without her but somehow I do, its not a great life that I have chosen for myself but I dont know how else to continue without her.  She died 25 days before my 30th birthday, 27 days before christmas, 3 months later I was diagnosed with a brain tumor, as I also have the same illness that ended my mothers life early.  I had that tumor removed in July 1998 but I have since been diagnosed with another one, I have numerous cysts in my kidney's and pancreas, on one of my kidney's the growth is so large that when they do decide to operate they will have to take that kidney, which then leaves me with one infected kidney and any surgery on that one could lead to dialysis.

Every Mothers day, Anniversary of her Birthday, my birthday, Anniversary of her death, Christmas is so painful that even I dont understand why it still hurts like I only lost her a few seconds ago, to know that I will never hold her again kills me, to not have her there to confide in, help me with my mistakes, teach me how to do things right, to touch her face, see her smile, hear her laugh, all these things tear me up inside and I dont know how to live without her, all I know is that everytime I think I am turning a corner, I hit reverse and end up further back from where I started.

I would like to apologise to all those that I unintenionally upset last night, I have removed myself from all public social network sites, even though I know this is really going to impact on my day to day coping with things as I have come to rely on help from my friends on twitter but I will just have to start learning how to stand on my own two feet.

Shellie B

15 comments:

  1. Gina O'Connor20 March 2011 at 13:39

    I am here for you Shellie, anytime !

    ReplyDelete
  2. I was on Twitter last night and concerned about you. Please know that all over the world, there are people who support you and want you to be safe and hope for the best for you. You have so much to struggle with, but you don't have to do it alone. When you feel sad and alone, please remember that there are people wishing you well, ready to support you.

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  3. As I said in our email, Otis and I are here for you anytime, day or night, hours behind you, but always available. The pain of losing your mum will never go away, but you can share it with others so that we can help you carry that burden.

    Patti and Otis

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  4. The twitter community was very concerned for you and of course had no way of knowing whether you were serious or not- so felt that they had to do something. i do not think that you need be embarrased or remove yourself from your social networking sites. Just know that there are many people out there who care for you. please also know that people have no way of knowing whether you were serious or not? What was done was out of caring for another fellow human being.

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  5. Hi Shellie,
    We haven't met on twitter but I'm sorry to see you're having a rough time, and I saw the concern and stress experienced by some of your friends trying to help you.
    You clearly realise your situation caused you to make a mistake and it's great to see you've apologised here - you are already standing on your own two feet.
    Don't cut yourself off from social networks... Please go back on twitter and respond to the friends who were calling out to you. They wanted to help then, and they want to help now.
    Remember, many of us have a shield up around the baggage we all carry. Some of your twitter friends might be as low/upset as you were, and they need you to bring things back to normal after the stressful situation you were all in.
    Restore those friendships and they'll reward you over time, no doubt. We all need each other.
    I feel the pain you are experiencing re your Mum. I lost my Dad 22 years ago and it still hurts everyday. I was his baby. I am still his baby! My coping strategy is to talk to him (all the time!) & live my life as if he's still around me. I can't see or touch him, but I can feel his presence & guidance (he's my angel now). He taught me to be a good person, he was proud of me... So I make sure I continue to make him proud. It seems to me you were a great support to your Mum, and she would have been very very proud of you - So keep making her proud, and take strength from the fact that she is. Be strong, I think you can do it.
    I checked out your last post (as you referred to signs in a previous post). I saw a very switched on yet frustrated exec... not someone suicidal, just someone with very high standards being incredibly bothered by a co-worker. You're right Shellie, he's taking the piss! I've been a manager of people for many years... The only person you need to worry about at work is your boss (& maybe their boss!). Work on your relationship with your boss, make sure they know how passionate and committed you are, and then dob the jerk in!!! Seriously, don't bicker with him or your peers, find a tactful way to raise it with your manager.
    Finally, I hope you don't mind me responding to your blog in this way. I wish I could pick up the phone and talk with you... but I'm in Australia & it's nearly 4am! Shellie, in addition to your blog & twitter, I hope you can find someone to speak with... Referring to the banners on your blog - perhaps a therapist might be better value than blogging!!! Please don't isolate yourself, surely your GP would understand your situation - Everyone thinks I'm a strong person, but my GP knows everything about me... her view would be different. I hope you can download with your GP... if not, give it a go!!! :)
    Good luck Shellie, be strong,
    Annette (Isagold's mum on twtr)
    p.s. congrats on all the things you've achieved recently re your job etc.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi Shellie,

    I was also on twitter last night and know how many people were concerned about you. Please don't feel embarrassed - just know that there are many, many people around the world who care about you. Maybe when you're feeling better you'll come back to twitter. I know all your friends will be happy to see you.

    BJC/vsc

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  7. I agree with Annette, don't take crap from that co-worker....expose him for what he is.
    Your friends on Twitter will be missing you, if you can.....come back.
    Take care, Marie

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  8. Hi Shellie. Please don't feel bad or think you are misunderstood. We all understand, all of us having gone through tough times in our lives. Believe me, at this point in my life it would be so easy to just give up and want to stop. But please understand that there are so many of us who know how you feel and are here for you. We all need to pull together now, and not isolate ourselves from others. Please come back to twitter. Together we can be strong, but on our own it is very hard to bear these burdens.

    You are loved. We really do care. Be strong. Please come back to twitter and let us all work together to help each other carry our burdens.

    Blessings, Lisa - @lgriffis on twitter.

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  9. Hi Shellie - I was really concerned last night that you'd closed your twitter accounts and when i read your blog it sounded like someone who intended not to be around any more. I think those of us who were on twitter couldn't do nothing and as we couldn't talk to you we didnt know what to do. I secretly thought you wouldn't leave your beloved cats but just wanted to be sure you were ok so couldn't go to bed until i knew!
    I think it would be good to be back on twitter - there have been some laughs on there! There are some good people on there who are there 24 7. My mobile is currently no more so I can tweet when i'm at the computer. Stay in touch - Emma x

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  10. I saw you on Twitter last night talking to Sophie just as I got in from the pub at around 2am. I figured I'd catch up with what was going on this evening and it let me to this journal. I'm still so worried about you though. Don't feel like you have to battle the world alone, because that's just not true. Tell me that the comments above don't make you feel at loved and surrounded by friends and I won't believe you. Reach out and we'll all always reach back. You've made some good friends online in such a short space of time because you're a special personality with a lot of soul and emotion. Turning your back on it isn't the answer. xxxxxx

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  11. Hi Shellie,
    my name is Zec, I am zecrich on twitter & i was told about the hurt that you was feeling.
    I have been through some very low times over the past few years, I was a lay minister until the priest took it away to hide his faults, I was accused of faking my disability and have been snubbed by people I thought were friends.

    I have come out of the other side and i am so much strongerr now and I believe that we are on a journey and sometimes it is bumpy, very very bumpy.

    The comments on here show how much people care, never be ashamed of who you are or what you have done, you have your part to play in this world and maybe someone can be helped by your story.

    please feel free to add me on twitter and i will DM you my email and you can mail me anytime you feel you need to talk or let off steam

    Zec

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  12. Hi Shelly,

    We all go thru times where we feel down and at a loss for where to go. It happens, and the next day, things look a bit different.

    From reading your blog, it looks to me like you are very courageous in confronting the many challenges before you. You are very talented and you use your creativity to help you cope. I admire that.

    As others have said, there are people all over the world who care and want to be there for you, even if you only know them through your pets' twitter accounts. Those are real people behind those animal avatars. And they are some of the most caring people in the world.

    I too hope that you will reconsider removing your anipal Twitter accounts and that you return to your social media friends for support. If you do, please find me @BZTAT and my cat @BrewskieButt. We would love to be your friend.

    BZTAT and the Brew

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  13. Shellie,

    I lost my mother a few days after Christmas in 2008 and by February 2009 I was a basket case. If it had not been for Twitter and the anipal community I would not be here today.

    We would love for you and your kitties to join us again when you are up to it. And when you are please find me @BorisKitty

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  14. Shelly,
    I'm glad you're back in touch. Please know that there are a lot of people who are still concerned about you. We don't want to pry, but we do care.

    My staff1 lost her mother 25 years ago, and also has a chronic disease (less scary than yours, but extremely painful), so she understands a little bit of what you've been going through. She finds that blogging, and participating in Twitter and Facebook, are helpful in maintaining the emotional connections she has with family and friends. They are also a good way of making new connections: people to share worries and laughs with, even if they don't become close friends.

    Social media *can* become overwhelming, though, so she's done a couple of things that help her feel more in control.

    1. She has two blogs, one public-facing one for sharing and a second private one where she does her serious venting and soul-searching. She does share worries and irritations on her public blog, but uses the private one to sort out her thoughts before deciding what to post on the public blog.

    2. She used to have two cats, Orpheus and Quark, and had Twitter accounts for both of them. That was way to much to keep up with---it became a burden---so she combined them into one account. That was much less stressful. (I notice that quite a few anipals use joint accounts.)

    I want to join with others in urging you to continue to use Twitter at some level.

    Thank you for listening.

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  15. Hi, Shellie:

    I rescued a small dog a year ago. At least, that's what I thought. In fact, she rescued me by giving me an opening into a larger world.

    If it helps, many people have felt as you have in the past and will feel as you feel in the future. The best gift you can give yourself is to acknowledge your pain, incorporate the past into your present self, and work towards a better day for yourself.

    The world has changed. Amazing, huh? Twitter and your wonderful blog have made your circle of friends larger than you can ever imagine.

    We hope you allow yourself to embrace this new reality - that people, from all over the place, enjoy your company and want to chat with you.

    Wishing you only the best.

    Diana & Sasha

    ReplyDelete

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